Since I was unable to get in on that day, possibly because I made no effort to call, I wrote into the conservative host and his fascist-neo-nazi-brownshirt-kill-baby-seals-and-stack-them-in-naked-pyramids crowd to reveal the real and verifiable connection that Bush had to the incident. Oddly enough, I never received a response.

It was at that point that I thought to myself: What the hell? I just spent two hours writing this perfectly reasonable response, and probably no one even read it! As an aside, I have wasted far more than two hours in similar such lonely writing exercises, but that’s really a personal issue and isn’t any of your business.

So just tonight, as I considered what to write, I decided to post that response and completely renege on my last post that said I would talk about the first amendment next. I decided to do this for two reasons: This blog is really all about self-indulgence; I write what I think is funny or important (disclaimer: what I think is funny/important isn’t necessarily funny/important to anyone else most of the time), and 2. It allows me to procrastinate on my next post for another couple of days.

The response was/is in the present tense because it was a response to a current event that was, at the time, current. Needless to say, that event is no longer in the news, but I think the conspiracy has only grown, as demonstrated by the rains pouring down in Central Texas, flooding areas where independent salt miners have fled to carry on their trade, seeking only to feed their families by the fruits of their labor. Now for the response:

Many of the callers mentioned Big Oil as a possible influence for how and why Bush caused the ferry to sink, and they offered a number of explanations on how the deed was perpetrated. Since Bush has already stolen all of the oil, worldwide, and controls it through Big Oil, that explanation is pitifully inadequate and absurdly ridiculous.

On the other hand, think about how Bush stole all of the oil: besides controlling the Americas, he obtained a foothold in the Middle East, he invaded Iraq, he paid off the Chinese, Russians, Saudis and Kuwaitis, and now he’s sideways-drilling into Iran and Cambodia, slurping up their reserves.

Now what would be the *next* big industry to go after in order to control the world and further oppress poor, starving children? Think about it: what industry has a worldwide consumer base, and what non-renewable resource is used by almost every individual in the world including cows? Big Salt. Bush is going after Big Salt! Once you understand the big picture, putting the pieces of the puzzle together becomes childishly simple.

I know the idea seems far-fetched because of the enormous resources that Big Salt wields, and it is hard to believe that Bush could crack such a powerful consortium of powerfully powerful power-hungry power brokers, but we need only look to Big Oil to understand his plan.

First: gain a foothold where the resources are located. Where is all of the good salt? The Red Sea of course. In fact, Red Sea salt is so exceptionally pure, many use it both in their fish tanks *and* to cook with; although Red Sea cooking and seawater salt are sold separately – just another way for Big Salt to stick it to the poor people. Anyway, by causing the ferry boat to sink, Bush hopes to gain a foothold in Red Sea under the pretext of offering prolonged military assistance to find survivors.

I’ve also obtained inside information about how the Bush machine caused the tragedy. It comes from a verified expert who is close to the plot, and she states that Bush ordered the military to use their “Wave Action War Agent”. This machine is a super-secret device that has the capacity to cause devastating Tsunamis in backwards third-world countries and wherever Big Salt interests are at stake. It has also been used to entertain troops in carrier swimming pools during peace time. Apparently, the machine was used to sink the ferry and to disperse survivors to hinder search efforts. When I asked my source if the machine had ever been used before, she said, “Let’s just say that India and Indonesia are getting out of the salt business.”

So it appears that the crazed Bush regime has made their move. What next?

Next: Pay off members of the powerful consortium of powerfully powerful power-hungry power brokers. This has been in play for quite some time, as several salt sheiks have been seen cavorting around with the Bush twins, while the American Morton dynasty has experienced record profits during Bush’s reign. Bush’s brazen grab for Big Salt is highlighted by his choice of reading, as indicated in his 2004 reading list, “Salt: A World History.”

Third: Once Bush has gained total control of the salt industry, he will tighten supply to increase demand. Virtually overnight restaraunts will begin charging extra for salt, and prices will go up at least 2.5 million percent in stores - striking similarities to gas prices. Another source involved in the conspiracy revealed to me Bush’s intent to open a nationwide chain of stores, “Saltclucks”, charging outrageous prices for cups of salt, and forcing people to obtain their salt in small, daily quantities.

As scary as it all sounds, the game is in play. If Bush isn’t stopped, one can only wonder what will happen to the poor legless, starving people of the world. Only the rich will be able to season their food in a tasty manner, and salt water aquariums around the world will host dead fish. Additionally, any stem cells found to contain salt, as well as any research on those stem cells, will be outlawed. Monstrous.

And after dominating the world’s second largest resource, where will Bush go next? Big Pepper? It’s possible but unlikely. It is a common misconception that Big Salt and Big Pepper are controlled by similar interests. Many people are under the mistaken impression that salt and pepper are mined together from reservoirs rich in both substances, which is clearly not the case.

Pepper mining originated in Peru and Bangkok where, historically, more exotic tastes prevailed. Today, Big Pepper is a lucrative business but is not nearly as organized and certainly not as popular as Big Salt, and independent pepper mines can be found throughout North America in locations such as Canada and New Guinnea. Today, at least, pepper seems safe from the tyrannical clutches of the Bush criminals.

Even so, I must spread the word of Bush’s unfettered evil so that he will not be elected to a third term. In the coming weeks, I plan to release other hard-hitting reports on Bush’s antics. My next piece will cover PETA’s investigative investigation on the American push to spay and neuter pets. Apparently, the Bush-Barker cartel has conspired to expand American spaying and neutering programs to all countries, worldwide and beyond, in an effort to eat and/or eliminate all animals. I will keep you posted.